Introduction
Essay writing is important to be learned by
students. It has main rules to be followed such as giving care to the theme,
hyper theme and macro them in addition to realizing the cohesion and coherence
of clauses and the devices used to give correct sentences. The current paper is
analyzing a written essay by a student focusing on the way it is written,
errors and other areas.
Original text with mistakes
Now adays internet is concided
crucial for our every day life. It
has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is now concidered
an indispensible tool in our daily life. (clause1) The three most
important advantages of the internet are it saves
time, it helped in learning and benefited us
greatly in our work. (clause2)
As they say: "time is gold" and
it is important to use it effectively. (claus3) Internet reducess the
time we spend on searching for a certin information.
Any thing we want to know is one click away
from us. (cluase4) Another point is that in the old days communicating was
through letters and that took a really long time and alot
of money to get in touch with far away family members. (clause 5) These days you can keep in touch with your friends , family , and
relatives in chat programs provided and work with internet
connection. (clause 6) Although internet is a way to save time it is also a way to spend time as we can logon some web sites that
provide for us some online games . (clause7)
All in all internet is an efficiant tool to
help save time. (clause8)
Second, learning has become more easier and appropriate and suitable for more
and more people. (Clause 9) As an example online
learning helped a lot of people to continue further studies and persue a higher place in the educational
level. people who are always busy on
work and have a lot of responsibilities can learn online and get the learning
materials online too. (clause 10) Another point is that instead of going to the
library and search for the book you want,
simply a click away you can download the
book you want and read it online with various choices of magazines and
newspapers especially these that are
relevant to the course that you are studying. (clause 11) finally communicating with your teacher has become
easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms that are
provided by the university site. (clause12)
to conclude what have been said above, internet provided a huge
leap for the main kind to the future as it helped improve
learning. (clause13)
Working has become easier over the last
ages as the internet started to provide us with more properties. first of all it is now possible to manage and run
your work from home, by only having some specialized programs that work with
internet connection. (clause 14) Moreover it is easier to communicate with your
employees by sending email messages or creating a group on a program such as
whatsapp. Another point is that you can watch the servailance
cameras in your work by a program to keep everything in check. (clause
15) All in all internet helped us to progress and evolve for the better.
Internet helped us to be more effictive and usefull
in life. (clause 16) It has benefited us in
three major feilds in life: first it is concedered a time saver, then it helped us to
create a huge revelution in learning, and
finally, it made our work easier . (clause
17) Be careful of misusing the internet because it is as they say a soard with two sharp ends. (clause 18)
|
Premodifier for noun phrases |
Post modifier for noun phrases |
|
Any thing we want to know is (clause4) |
Internet helped us to be more (clause16) |
|
first of all (Clause14) |
Internet reducess the time we spend (Clause4) |
|
Moreover (clause15) |
|
Table 1 modifiers
|
Temporal connectors |
Contrast connectors |
|
then (clause 17) |
Although (clause7) |
|
because (clause 18) |
|
|
, and finally (clause 17) |
|
|
|
|
Table 2 connectors
|
Heponomy |
Co-heponomy |
Meronomy |
Co-meronomy |
|
friends , family , and relatives (clause6) |
- |
choices of magazines and newspapers
(clause11) |
- |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Table3
lexical cohesion
|
Clause |
Type of participant |
Type of circumstance |
Type of process |
Circumstance's role |
Voice |
Noun Groups |
|
Now adays internet is concided crucial
for our every day life. It has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is
now concidered an indispensible tool in our daily life. |
Actor Goal
|
Extended |
Material |
unmarked |
Passive |
Internet Life Fields tools
|
|
Internet reducess the time we spend on searching for a certin
information. Any thing we want to know is one click away from us. |
Actor Goal |
Time |
Verbal |
Marked |
Active |
Internet Time Information click |
|
Second, learning has become more easier
and appropriate and suitable for more and more people.
|
Actor Goal
|
Cause |
Material |
Unmarked |
Active |
Internet people learning
|
|
finally communicating with your teacher
has become easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms
that are provided by the university site, to conclude what have been said above,
internet provided a huge leap for the main kind to the future as it helped improve
learning. |
Actor Goal |
Location |
Verbal |
Marked |
Active |
Teacher Room University Leap Site Internet |
|
Working has become easier over the last ages as the internet started
to provide us with more properties. first of all it is now possible to manage
and run your work from home, by only having some specialized programs that
work with internet connection. |
Actor Goal |
Extended |
Verbal |
Marked |
Active |
Ages Internet Properties Connection |
|
Internet
helped us to be more effictive and usefull in life. It has benefited us in
three major feilds in life: first it is concedered a time saver, then it
helped us to create a huge revelution in learning, and finally, it made our
work easier .
|
Actor Goal |
Extended |
Verbal |
Marked |
Active |
Internet Fields Revolution |
Table4 them analysis
Analysis
The writer wrote the text in main
five paragraphs each with a number of clauses as declared above. The first
paragraph came as introducing the topic in two introductory clauses. Thematic
progression was not enough to introduce the topic to the readers as there
should have been conjunctions such as "and" or "so". The
word "internet" that formed the hyper theme lacked "the"
which made the hyper theme weak and poor. Clauses that form the macro theme
were not joined by any cohesive devices that made a poor macro theme. According
to Dejica and Superceanu, (2004) statements that form the hyper and macro
themes should be linked together by cohesive devices that can make them clear
and strong, they added that separated sentences can't form a meaningful clause
that bears the hyper or macro theme. The writer succeeded in writing good
meaningful sentences in the second paragraph that was formed of six main
clauses but nominalization was poor at many parts such as the first clause that
was too short without any cohesive devices and the lack of right punctuation
marks such as writing the commas after a space such as in "friends ,
family , and relatives". There were
also grammar mistakes such as using the article "a" with uncountable
nouns as in : "for a certin information". Spelling mistakes were also
apparent such as in words: "certin, reducess, logon, main kind and
efficient." The third paragraph contained five main clauses that also
needed coherence as in clause 10 there were two sentenced that needed a
cohesive deivce to link them such as "and" or "in addition
to". Spelling mistakes such as in "persue" made nominalization
poor. There were also grammar mistakes that made the coherence weak such as in
"search for", "these that" and "have".
Punctuation needed to be more accurate such as in errors like: "finally".
The fourth paragraph came in two clauses and one sentence that can be added to
the fifth paragraph. The clauses were too long and contained many sentences
that are not relevant to each other, some repeated and needed cohesive devices
that can make them more correlated to each other. This can be seen in using the
expression: "first of all" without following sentences with
"secondly", "thirdly" and then "finally" but the
writer used some of them in the fifth paragraph which may perplex the reader.
" Moreover" was well used to add information but the expression
"all in all" was meaningless and repeated in many parts of the essay
with no need. There were also spelling mistakes such as in :" servailance".
There were grammatical errors that made the cohesion of the paragraph weak such
as using the preposition: "to" without need after using enabled us.
The fifth paragraph was a conclusion but it lacked sentences such as: "In
conclusion", "to conclude" to be started with and the writer
used: "to conclude" in a wrong place that was in clause 13 in the
third paragraph while it should have been used in paragraph five which is a
conclusion for the essay. Spelling mistakes made the cohesion of the paragraph
weak as in:" effective", "usefull", " feilds",
" concedered" and "soard." (Dueraman, 2007).
Number of words=529
Rewritten text
Nowadays the internet is considered crucial for our
everyday life as it has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is now
considered an indispensible tool in our daily life, there are three important
advantages of the internet which are that it saves time, it helps in learning
and benefits us greatly in our work.
Firstly, as they say: "time is gold" and it
is important to use it effectively as the Internet reduces the time we spend on
searching for certain information in addition that anything we want to know is
one click away from us. Another point is that in the old days communication was
through letters and that took really long time and a lot of money to get in
touch with far away family members. These days you can keep in touch with your
friends, family, and relatives in chat programs provided and work with internet
connection. Although the internet is a way to save time, it is also a way to
spend time as we can log on some websites that provide for us some online
games. In fact, the internet is an efficient tool to help save time.
Secondly, learning has become easier, appropriate and
suitable for more and more people for example; online learning helped a lot of
people to continue further studies and pursue a higher place in the educational
level and people who are always busy at work and have a lot of responsibilities
can learn online and get the learning materials online too. Another point is
that instead of going to the library and searching for the book you want,
simply by a click away you can download the book you want and read it online
with various choices of magazines and newspapers especially those relevant to
the course that you are studying. Finally, communicating with your teacher has
become easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms that
are provided by the university site. To summarize what have been said above,
the internet provided a huge leap for the mankind of the future as it helped
improve learning.
Working has become easier over the last ages as the
internet started to provide us with more properties; it is now possible to
manage and run your work from home, by only having some specialized programs
that work with internet connection, moreover it is easier to communicate with
your employees by sending email messages or creating a group on a program such
as Whatsapp. Another point is that you can watch the surveillance cameras in
your work by a program to keep everything in check, the internet helped us to
progress and evolve for the better.
To conclude, the Internet helped us to be more
effective and useful in life as it has benefited us in three major fields in
life: first it is considered a time saver, then it helped us to create a huge
revolution in learning, and finally, it made our work easier. You should be
careful of misusing the internet because it is as they say a sword with two
sharp ends.
Evaluation of rewriting
The essay was rewritten to correct the
errors and add the needed cohesive devices. The first paragraph was supported
by the use of the cohesive device: "as" to make a strong clause that
has two main connected relevant sentences. "there are was added in the
beginning of the second clause to make it understood and spelling mistakes were
corrected such as in: "indispensible". According to Choo, (2009)
conjunctions can be used to join two sentences to make clauses stronger and add
meaning to sentences and this can support the coherence of the main theme of
the essay. The second paragraph was started by: "Firstly" with a
capital letter to make punctuation correct, the conjunction: "as" was
also used to connect sentences into one clause. Grammatical mistakes and
spelling mistakes were corrected such as in: reduces, log on some websites,
certain and communication. Punctuation marks were corrected such as in the use
of capital letters, commas, and full stops as in:" friends, family, and
relatives, this can also be in adding a comma in the clause starting by
"although": " time, to make it stronger and able to convey the
meaning clearly. In fact was added instead of the meaningless use of "all
in all". According to Crompton, (2004) theme in discourse should be
supported by phrases that can attract the attention of the readers and make
them eager to read, this can be done by using many different cohesive devices
and articles that help in progression of the text. The third paragraph was
rewritten to have less clauses as some clauses were joined to make one stronger
clause such as joining clause9 and clause 10 in one stronger clause. The word:
"Secondly" was added in the beginning of the paragraph to take the
attention of readers to the information in the paragraph. Punctuation marks
were corrected such as using";" in 'for example;' and spelling
mistakes were corrected as in:" pursue". "To summarize" was
added instead of "to conclude" to convince the readers that there is
a summarizing sentence coming and there is a conclusion at the end of the
essay. According to Dumai, (2018) grammatical and lexical devices can make
sentences stronger and add effectiveness in meaning conveying because they work
as means for communication with the readers and can make relations among
sentences in different cohesive situations. The fourth paragraph was also
supported with punctuation marks such as ";" in "more
properties;" in order to tell that there are details coming. Two clauses
were joined and made one stronger clause which are clause 14 and 15 and a new
clause was made by joining the last two sentences together. "To
conclude" was added to the conclusion paragraph to attract readers for the
conclusion and "You should" was also added to the advice clause to
support it and make it clearer. This was made in order to make cohesion and
correlation of the sentences stronger and support the essay with lexical and
cohesive devices that can make it clearer and more meaningful.
Number of words=502
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is necessary to focus on
many parts of the essay before writing it such as the cohesive devices that can
make sentences stronger and can make them relevant and clearer to the readers
in addition to take care of the spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes that
make the text weak and poor.
References
- Choo, Y. (2009).
'Improving Coherence in Writing through the Use of Themes in Essay Writing
by Secondary School from 4 Students."
https://www.academia.edu/28231875/IMPROVING_COHERENCE_IN_WRITING_THROUGH_THE_USE_OF_THEMES_IN_ESSAYS_WRITTEN_BY_SECONDARY_SCHOOL_FORM_4_STUDENTS
- Crompton, P.
(2004). ' Theme in Discourse: Thematic Progression and Method of Development
Re-evaluated.' https://www.academia.edu/478504/Theme_in_discourse_Thematic_progression_and_method_of_development_re-evaluated
- Dejica, D. Superceanu,
R. (2004). 'Thematic-Structure Analysis of the
Section Statement of Problem in Proposals.' https://www.academia.edu/2027067/Thematic-Structure_Analysis_of_the_Section_Statement_of_Problem_in_Proposals
- Dueraman, B.
(2007). ' Cohesion and Coherence in English Essays Written by Malaysian
and Thai Medical Students.' http://fs.libarts.psu.ac.th/webcontent/Document/Doc2550/01January/research2007/LanguagesAndLinguistics/Cohesion%20and%20Coherence%20in%20English%20...Bayatee.pdf
5. Dumai, A. (2014). 'An Analysis of the use
of Grammatical and Lexical Cohesion in Theses Written byUndergraduate Students
Majoring in English of Islamic University of Riau.' https://www.academia.edu/38746870/An_Analysis_of_the_use_of_Grammatical_and_Lexical_Cohesion_in_Theses_Written_by_Undergraduate_Students_Majoring_in_English_of_Islamic_University_of_Riau
