E304B Essay correcting

 Introduction

Essay writing is important to be learned by students. It has main rules to be followed such as giving care to the theme, hyper theme and macro them in addition to realizing the cohesion and coherence of clauses and the devices used to give correct sentences. The current paper is analyzing a written essay by a student focusing on the way it is written, errors and other areas. 

Original text with mistakes

Now adays internet is concided crucial for our every day life. It has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is now concidered an indispensible tool in our daily life. (clause1) The three most important advantages of the internet are it saves time, it helped in learning and benefited us greatly in our work. (clause2)

As they say: "time is gold" and it is important to use it effectively. (claus3) Internet reducess  the time we spend on searching for a certin information. Any thing we want to know is one click away from us. (cluase4) Another point is that in the old days communicating was through letters and that took a really long time and alot of money to get in touch with far away family members. (clause 5) These days you can keep in touch with your friends , family , and  relatives in chat programs provided and work with internet connection. (clause 6) Although internet is a way to save time it is also a way to spend time as we can logon some web sites that provide for us some online games .  (clause7) All in all internet is an efficiant tool to help save time. (clause8)

Second, learning has become more easier and appropriate and suitable for more and more people. (Clause 9) As an example online learning helped a lot of people to continue further studies and persue a higher place in the educational level.  people who are always busy on work and have a lot of responsibilities can learn online and get the learning materials online too. (clause 10) Another point is that instead of going to the library and search for the book you want, simply a click away you can download the book you want and read it online with various choices of magazines and newspapers especially these that are relevant to the course that you are studying. (clause 11) finally communicating with your teacher has become easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms that are provided by the university site. (clause12)  to conclude what have been said above, internet provided a huge leap for the main kind  to the future as it helped improve learning. (clause13)

Working has become easier over the last ages as the internet started to provide us with more properties. first of all it is now possible to manage and run your work from home, by only having some specialized programs that work with internet connection. (clause 14) Moreover it is easier to communicate with your employees by sending email messages or creating a group on a program such as whatsapp. Another point is that you can watch the servailance cameras in your work by a program to keep everything in check. (clause 15) All in all internet helped us to progress and evolve for the better.  

Internet helped us to be more effictive and usefull in life. (clause 16) It has benefited us in three major feilds in life: first it is concedered a time saver, then it helped us to create a huge revelution in learning, and finally, it made our work easier . (clause 17) Be careful of misusing the internet because it is as they say a soard with two sharp ends.  (clause 18)

Premodifier for noun phrases	Post modifier for noun phrases
Any thing we want to know is (clause4)	Internet helped us to be more (clause16)
first of all  (Clause14)	Internet reducess  the time we spend (Clause4)
Moreover (clause15)

Table 1 modifiers

Temporal connectors	Contrast connectors
then (clause 17)	Although (clause7)
because (clause 18)
, and finally (clause 17)

Table 2 connectors

Heponomy	Co-heponomy	Meronomy	Co-meronomy
friends , family , and  relatives (clause6)	-	choices of magazines and newspapers (clause11)	-

Table3  lexical cohesion

Clause	Type of participant	Type of circumstance	Type of process	Circumstance's role	Voice	Noun Groups
Now adays internet is concided crucial for our every day life. It has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is now concidered an indispensible tool in our daily life.	Actor Goal	Extended	Material	unmarked	Passive	Internet Life Fields tools
Internet reducess  the time we spend on searching for a certin information. Any thing we want to know is one click away from us.	Actor Goal	Time	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet Time Information click
Second, learning has become more easier and appropriate and suitable for more and more people.	Actor Goal	Cause	Material	Unmarked	Active	Internet people learning
finally communicating with your teacher has become easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms that are provided by the university site, to conclude what have been said above, internet provided a huge leap for the main kind  to the future as it helped improve learning.	Actor Goal	Location	Verbal	Marked	Active	Teacher Room University Leap Site Internet
Working has become easier over the last ages as the internet started to provide us with more properties. first of all it is now possible to manage and run your work from home, by only having some specialized programs that work with internet connection.	Actor Goal	Extended	Verbal	Marked	Active	Ages Internet Properties Connection
Internet helped us to be more effictive and usefull in life. It has benefited us in three major feilds in life: first it is concedered a time saver, then it helped us to create a huge revelution in learning, and finally, it made our work easier .	Actor Goal	Extended	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet Fields Revolution

Table4 them analysis 

Analysis

The writer wrote the text in main five paragraphs each with a number of clauses as declared above. The first paragraph came as introducing the topic in two introductory clauses. Thematic progression was not enough to introduce the topic to the readers as there should have been conjunctions such as "and" or "so". The word "internet" that formed the hyper theme lacked "the" which made the hyper theme weak and poor. Clauses that form the macro theme were not joined by any cohesive devices that made a poor macro theme. According to Dejica and Superceanu, (2004) statements that form the hyper and macro themes should be linked together by cohesive devices that can make them clear and strong, they added that separated sentences can't form a meaningful clause that bears the hyper or macro theme. The writer succeeded in writing good meaningful sentences in the second paragraph that was formed of six main clauses but nominalization was poor at many parts such as the first clause that was too short without any cohesive devices and the lack of right punctuation marks such as writing the commas after a space such as in "friends , family , and  relatives". There were also grammar mistakes such as using the article "a" with uncountable nouns as in : "for a certin information". Spelling mistakes were also apparent such as in words: "certin, reducess, logon, main kind and efficient." The third paragraph contained five main clauses that also needed coherence as in clause 10 there were two sentenced that needed a cohesive deivce to link them such as "and" or "in addition to". Spelling mistakes such as in "persue" made nominalization poor. There were also grammar mistakes that made the coherence weak such as in "search for", "these that" and "have". Punctuation needed to be more accurate such as in errors like: "finally". The fourth paragraph came in two clauses and one sentence that can be added to the fifth paragraph. The clauses were too long and contained many sentences that are not relevant to each other, some repeated and needed cohesive devices that can make them more correlated to each other. This can be seen in using the expression: "first of all" without following sentences with "secondly", "thirdly" and then "finally" but the writer used some of them in the fifth paragraph which may perplex the reader. " Moreover" was well used to add information but the expression "all in all" was meaningless and repeated in many parts of the essay with no need. There were also spelling mistakes such as in :" servailance". There were grammatical errors that made the cohesion of the paragraph weak such as using the preposition: "to" without need after using enabled us. The fifth paragraph was a conclusion but it lacked sentences such as: "In conclusion", "to conclude" to be started with and the writer used: "to conclude" in a wrong place that was in clause 13 in the third paragraph while it should have been used in paragraph five which is a conclusion for the essay. Spelling mistakes made the cohesion of the paragraph weak as in:" effective", "usefull", " feilds", " concedered" and "soard." (Dueraman, 2007).  

Number of words=529    

Rewritten text

 

Nowadays the internet is considered crucial for our everyday life as it has benefited us in so many fields in life. It is now considered an indispensible tool in our daily life, there are three important advantages of the internet which are that it saves time, it helps in learning and benefits us greatly in our work.

 

Firstly, as they say: "time is gold" and it is important to use it effectively as the Internet reduces the time we spend on searching for certain information in addition that anything we want to know is one click away from us. Another point is that in the old days communication was through letters and that took really long time and a lot of money to get in touch with far away family members. These days you can keep in touch with your friends, family, and relatives in chat programs provided and work with internet connection. Although the internet is a way to save time, it is also a way to spend time as we can log on some websites that provide for us some online games. In fact, the internet is an efficient tool to help save time.

 

Secondly, learning has become easier, appropriate and suitable for more and more people for example; online learning helped a lot of people to continue further studies and pursue a higher place in the educational level and people who are always busy at work and have a lot of responsibilities can learn online and get the learning materials online too. Another point is that instead of going to the library and searching for the book you want, simply by a click away you can download the book you want and read it online with various choices of magazines and newspapers especially those relevant to the course that you are studying. Finally, communicating with your teacher has become easier and available for students either by emails or chat rooms that are provided by the university site. To summarize what have been said above, the internet provided a huge leap for the mankind of the future as it helped improve learning.

 

Working has become easier over the last ages as the internet started to provide us with more properties; it is now possible to manage and run your work from home, by only having some specialized programs that work with internet connection, moreover it is easier to communicate with your employees by sending email messages or creating a group on a program such as Whatsapp. Another point is that you can watch the surveillance cameras in your work by a program to keep everything in check, the internet helped us to progress and evolve for the better.

  

To conclude, the Internet helped us to be more effective and useful in life as it has benefited us in three major fields in life: first it is considered a time saver, then it helped us to create a huge revolution in learning, and finally, it made our work easier. You should be careful of misusing the internet because it is as they say a sword with two sharp ends. 

  

Evaluation of rewriting

The essay was rewritten to correct the errors and add the needed cohesive devices. The first paragraph was supported by the use of the cohesive device: "as" to make a strong clause that has two main connected relevant sentences. "there are was added in the beginning of the second clause to make it understood and spelling mistakes were corrected such as in: "indispensible". According to Choo, (2009) conjunctions can be used to join two sentences to make clauses stronger and add meaning to sentences and this can support the coherence of the main theme of the essay. The second paragraph was started by: "Firstly" with a capital letter to make punctuation correct, the conjunction: "as" was also used to connect sentences into one clause. Grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes were corrected such as in: reduces, log on some websites, certain and communication. Punctuation marks were corrected such as in the use of capital letters, commas, and full stops as in:" friends, family, and relatives, this can also be in adding a comma in the clause starting by "although": " time, to make it stronger and able to convey the meaning clearly. In fact was added instead of the meaningless use of "all in all". According to Crompton, (2004) theme in discourse should be supported by phrases that can attract the attention of the readers and make them eager to read, this can be done by using many different cohesive devices and articles that help in progression of the text. The third paragraph was rewritten to have less clauses as some clauses were joined to make one stronger clause such as joining clause9 and clause 10 in one stronger clause. The word: "Secondly" was added in the beginning of the paragraph to take the attention of readers to the information in the paragraph. Punctuation marks were corrected such as using";" in 'for example;' and spelling mistakes were corrected as in:" pursue". "To summarize" was added instead of "to conclude" to convince the readers that there is a summarizing sentence coming and there is a conclusion at the end of the essay. According to Dumai, (2018) grammatical and lexical devices can make sentences stronger and add effectiveness in meaning conveying because they work as means for communication with the readers and can make relations among sentences in different cohesive situations. The fourth paragraph was also supported with punctuation marks such as ";" in "more properties;" in order to tell that there are details coming. Two clauses were joined and made one stronger clause which are clause 14 and 15 and a new clause was made by joining the last two sentences together. "To conclude" was added to the conclusion paragraph to attract readers for the conclusion and "You should" was also added to the advice clause to support it and make it clearer. This was made in order to make cohesion and correlation of the sentences stronger and support the essay with lexical and cohesive devices that can make it clearer and more meaningful.

Number of words=502

Conclusion

In conclusion, it is necessary to focus on many parts of the essay before writing it such as the cohesive devices that can make sentences stronger and can make them relevant and clearer to the readers in addition to take care of the spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes that make the text weak and poor.

References

1. Choo, Y. (2009). 'Improving Coherence in Writing through the Use of Themes in Essay Writing by Secondary School from 4 Students." https://www.academia.edu/28231875/IMPROVING_COHERENCE_IN_WRITING_THROUGH_THE_USE_OF_THEMES_IN_ESSAYS_WRITTEN_BY_SECONDARY_SCHOOL_FORM_4_STUDENTS
2. Crompton, P. (2004). ' Theme in Discourse: Thematic Progression and Method of Development Re-evaluated.' https://www.academia.edu/478504/Theme_in_discourse_Thematic_progression_and_method_of_development_re-evaluated
3. Dejica, D. Superceanu, R. (2004). 'Thematic-Structure Analysis of the Section Statement of Problem in Proposals.' https://www.academia.edu/2027067/Thematic-Structure_Analysis_of_the_Section_Statement_of_Problem_in_Proposals
4. Dueraman, B. (2007). ' Cohesion and Coherence in English Essays Written by Malaysian and Thai Medical Students.' http://fs.libarts.psu.ac.th/webcontent/Document/Doc2550/01January/research2007/LanguagesAndLinguistics/Cohesion%20and%20Coherence%20in%20English%20...Bayatee.pdf

5.      Dumai, A. (2014). 'An Analysis of the use of Grammatical and Lexical Cohesion in Theses Written byUndergraduate Students Majoring in English of Islamic University of Riau.' https://www.academia.edu/38746870/An_Analysis_of_the_use_of_Grammatical_and_Lexical_Cohesion_in_Theses_Written_by_Undergraduate_Students_Majoring_in_English_of_Islamic_University_of_Riau

E304B Book 3 (Managing communication flow: Textual meaning-making