Writing and Correcting a Composition about the Internet

 

Writing a composition for a student as an assignment requires the deep understanding of writing regulations and taking care of punctuation and grammar. It is essential, as well, to realize the importance of coherence and cohesion of clauses and statements by the writer in order to produce understandable texts containing relevant ideas and academic meaning. In this paper, there will be a discussion of the writing issue of a student supplied with an analysis to it.

Original text with mistakes

The internet became the most important thing in our world.  No one can do work without internet. There are many programs work by internet. Internet has many benefits of users.

 

 Using internet is losing time. We use internet in many ways. We can chat with people who are online .  And we use it because we don't know how we use our time. Internet is useful for us 

Nowdays Internet was part of learning in our schools, universities  and collages . We are searching for information in the internet.  If we have any question defficult we seach of about it. Internet had a classes online of some universitis. So its become a good envention and better than going to classes. 

Internet has many social Program like; Instgram, twiter, whatsapp and facebook. Thes programs make us more social with others and make relation ships . And that Programs tell us what s on  , what's new and what's happen in the world. In the internet we can shippengging online so we not need to go to the malls.

 

Using internet can effect in eyes, get headache and feeling sick.

 

Internet became the first Program to searching and learning online. People who use the internet is more socialiced. We should using internet in Few hours not all of aday to keep eyyes. And we should search useful information.     

Analysis 

The text has six main paragraphs. The first paragraph is an introduction that contains four main clauses. The start of the clauses lack thematic progression which makes the macro them weak, the author repeated the word internet without "the" which makes the hyper theme. According to Ghadessy, (1995) the macro them should have clauses that are embraced together to present one main strong clear idea the reader can understand. The second paragraph includes three main clauses that can represent the topic sentences of the essay presenting the hyper theme as weak as the micro theme because the first sentence includes many great mistakes making the reader puzzled as meanings are not in relation to each other making the ideas skimmed with low relevance. Using clausal nominalization is not proper as the author divided the last clause into two parts using the conjunction: "and" wrongly, punctuation is misused too in this clause and the sentences need to be more concise. The third paragraph has four main clauses that lacks effective nominalization, the cohesion of the sentences is poor as cohesive devices are not used effectively, for example, the writer uses "Nowadays" then following it with the past use of verb to be: "was" that should be "is" representing the present time. Coherence has no relationship with cohesion in the text as it has weak textual coherence; the writer gives meaningless sentences that are not correlated to form strong clauses, examples are in the use of the conjunction "If" as there is no modal verb in the second part of the sentence in addition to lacking the right punctuation marks for such a clause. The use of adjectives is poor too, for example: "question difficult" that should be" difficult question" which makes the sentence meaningless. The fourth paragraph includes many grammatical mistakes such as using: "program" instead of the plural form of the noun: programs". The use of punctuation marks is wrong as the writer leaves a space before the full stop in the last of the sentences, writes capital letters without need for them such as in ships . and And. Grammatical and spelling mistakes reduce coherence of the sentences and making them meaningless, for example: what s on, shippengging online and not need. The fifth paragraph is one only clause that should reflect the disadvantages of the internet but it presented them in poor words with mistakes such as using the word "internet" without "the" and using the noun: "effect" instead of the right use of the verb: "affect" without the preposition: "in". The last paragraph that should be the conclusion lacked the main cohesive device which is the concluding sentence: "In conclusion", this makes the meaning poor and can't attract the reader's attention that this is the concluding paragraph. Text connectors are not enough to tell the reader that this is the conclusion, giving advice needs to be asserted by more contracted nouns or adjectives that can give meaningful clauses in the final paragraph. (Dueraman, 2007)   

Number of words=497      

Rewritten text

The text will include only an introduction, three main paragraphs and a conclusion as follows:

The internet became the most important thing in the world as no one can work without it. There are many programs that work through the internet and there are many benefits users of the internet can get.

Using the internet can be timewasting as people use it in many ways such as chatting with people who are online without watching how much time they use it. Yet, the internet is useful in many ways. Nowadays, the internet is a part of learning in schools, universities and colleges. We look for information on the internet, search for difficult questions and there are classes for some universities on the internet which makes it a good invention that is better than going to classes. 

The internet has many social programs such as Instgram, twitter, whatsap and facebook; these programs make us more social with others and able to make relationships. These programs can tell us current news, new things and events happening in the world. On the internet, we can go shopping online so we don't need going to the malls anymore.

 

There are disadvantages for the internet as there are benefits too. Using the internet can passively affect eyes, cause headache and make people feel sick of using it for many hours.

In conclusion, the internet became the first program for searching and learning online. People who use the internet are more socialized. We should reduce hours of using the internet daily in order to keep eyes and we should use the internet for looking for useful information and learning.

Table of analysis

Clause	Type of participant	Type of circumstance	Type of process	Circumstance's role	Voice	Noun Groups
Using internet is losing time.	Actor Goal	Extended	Material	unmarked	Active	Internet Time
Nowdays Internet was part of learning in our schools, universities  and collages	Actor Goal	Cause	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet Learning Schools Universities colleges
Internet had a classes online of some universitis. So its become a good envention and better than going to classes.	Actor Goal	Location	Material	Unmarked	Active	Internet Classes Universities Invention Classes
In the internet we can shippengging online so we not need to go to the malls.	Actor Goal	Location	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet malls
Using internet can effect in eyes, get headache and feeling sick.	Actor Goal	Cause	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet Eyes Headache Sick
We should using internet in Few hours not all of aday to keep eyyes. And we should search useful information.	Actor Goal	Extended	Verbal	Marked	Active	Internet Eyes Hours Information

 

Evaluation of rewriting

The essay was reconstructed and refined to perform the required modification that is capable of making it more plausible and meaningful to the readers. In the first paragraph, the conjunction: "as" was added before the sentence “no one can work without it” to make one string clause. The conjunction: "and" was used to join the two other sentences to make one correlated clause that has much coherence and can convey the meanings effectively. According to Choo, (2009) conjunctions are important for making strong clauses that are coherent as conjunctions are cohesive devices that can be used to make clauses effective. Paragraphs 2 and 3 were mixed together to make one strong paragraph that can convey meanings as the wrong sentence: "Internet is lossing time" was replaced with: "Using the internet can be timewasting." And the cohesive device "as" was used to join the two sentences together. Punctuation marks were corrected such as capital and small letters and the whole second clause was rewritten to be: "Nowadays, the internet is a part of learning in schools, universities and colleges." Spelling mistakes such as "collages", "enventions" and "universties" were corrected. The" If" clause was replaced with mixing it with the previous sentence to make stronger clause joined by "and" and "which" to make it a relative clause that can take the attention of the reader. Commas were added correctly to help the nominalization of the sentences become clearer and stronger. The writer used prepositions wrongly which was corrected, for example, using the preposition "on" with the internet instead of using the preposition: "in". Grammar mistakes such as "had" were omitted and expressions such as "there are" were used to present nominalization and declaring the hyper and macro theme. The third paragraph was rewritten to correct mistakes such as spelling mistakes: relation ships" to be: "relationships'", shppinging" to be" shopping" and grammar mistakes such as: "not need" were corrected to be: "don't need". According to Poudel, (2018) spelling and grammar mistakes reduces the cohesion of the text making it meaningless and poor as grammatical cohesion is very necessary to present a good text. The fourth paragraph was formed by adding another clause to the only clause it had which is:" There are disadvantages for the internet as there are benefits too." The clause that was already existing was rewritten and some words were added to it such as: "of using it for many hours." for making it meaningful. The last paragraph which is the conclusion was reformed and a cohesive device which is the concluding words: "In conclusion" was added at its beginning to take the attention of the reader that the essay is at its end. Prepositions were corrected as using: "for" instead of "to" with the verb searching. Sentences of advice were kept as they were with adding different words such as: "daily" instead of: "not all of a day." The conjunction: "and" was used to connect the sentences and make one strong clause in the end.       

                                                      

Number of words =496

Conclusion

 Finally, the writing of an essay needs more understanding of some rules from the writer part so he or she can make the text sound more meaningful and plausible to the reader who should feel excited when reading it and have the desire to complete it to the end. These rules are related to cohesion, coherence and cohesive devices from the one hand, and to grammar, spelling and punctuation from the other hand, so that the text can be more clear and strong.

References

1.      Goonaratna, C. (2014). Writing well (6) Wordiness, alias verbosity. Ceylon Medical Journal, 47(1), p.1.

2.      Laine, M. (2000). Semantic errors in a deep dyslexic. Neurocase, 6(2), pp.159a-159.

3.      Swift, M. (1981). Writing a Conclusion. ABCA Bulletin, 44(4), pp.19-21.

4.      E304B Book 3 (Managing communication flow: Textual meaning-making)